The truth is I miss ____ ______ the First. Looking back at old emails and first correspondences, it’s obvious that there has been change. Not all bad of course. Mostly good I would like to think. It’s just that it’s hard not to miss him. He was such a good part of my life and I wonder if I’ll ever get him back. Is this what growth feels like? Does it just calm down and never surprise you anymore? If you were never to see me again, would you remember who it was you fell in love with and would you run after her?
There are so many things I strongly feel but fear to say aloud. As if barely whispering them will make them come true, if they aren’t already. Is there a chance I’m correct? What if everything I’m feeling is true? I never wanted the power to tell the future.
Is this what all of them become? All relationships? Do you just become too familiar with the other that even though you love them it seems like neither of you seem to love the other as much as you did before? You learn to love them in a different way on another level, but is that ever enough? Will that get you through the times of thoughts that if you separated you’ll both be fine? That’s the truth isn’t it? If one were to suddenly live without the other, in due time they’ll heal. In due time, they’ll be fine.
I wish you would reassure me sometimes. That I’m not the only one trying or the only one feeling this way. Do you also find yourself wondering if you still love me; that you can’t live without me? If you do, are you also trying to keep me feeling the same way about you? To keep me loving you?
Because I think in the long run, to try and make someone love you again the way they did would be exhausting. There will be a time when you realize no matter the efforts, the fact of the matter is that the other has stopped loving you. That’s it.
I should hope that isn’t the case but perhaps I should start preparing myself now. If I leave a part of me to pretend that this will ultimately end or has already ended, then maybe if it does, I won’t die. I’ll continue to live with or without you.
I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to learn to.
© estalement 2010
