It comes to you in moments unseen and defines the unexpected. Often in times of loss you find yourself hiding under shelters of little empathy and in the slightly warm arms of a consoler. But just as unhappy as the thought of them may have began, they quickly turn into moments of what some can only wish to live forever and for those lucky ones, times they will get to experience again.
Today I found my thoughts drifting from a distant fictional story to a familiar story of my own. As the characters spoke, and the images of them fade and transform, I saw him in my mind’s eye. Out of the blue through the dusty paths of the hallways in which I’ve shelved all memories of him, I saw him as clear as day. Although I can paint a perfect picture in my mind up to the very last detail from the shade of his eyelashes to the length of his fingernails, I wish I could still recall the scent of the body spray he used at the time. Back then, it was a way I recognized him before he stepped into a room or would sneak up behind me. Now I wonder if I would be able to tell once again if the scent flutters through a nearby breeze or around a sharp street corner.
If dreams really do come true what would I wish for? Would I wish to relive those moments? Would I wish only to live those moments?
Why does letting go seem harder than the prospective chance of starting over again?
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Just like the passing rain, my memory started with loss seeping into sadness to the actual increase of warmth in my body temperature as my heartbeats quickened. But just like how memories fade, hearts fade too. That’s when you feel that familiar heartache. Yes, an actually heart-ache. For those who have felt it before, you know it feels like your body has lost all its energy, embodying nothing but pain and panic. It becomes the moment when the world as you know it is ending right before your very eyes. You can’t move and even though your panic and desire will you to move forward and to chase, your body refuses to respond. In that very moment, you can actually hear the sound of your heart break.
A heart breaking doesn’t sound like a shattering of a water glass or an icicle as it hits the pavement. It sounds like a deep pulse from inside your ears. It will only sound once, and only if you’re caught up in the moment can you hear it. It rings through your panic and maybe your tears and it reverberates throughout your entire body for a moment like a wave after it crashes down onto sand. It’ll spread to the edge of your being then bring itself back to the center of it.
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Today I saw him smile again and I stumbled upon something I had left behind. My heart.
© estalement 2008
